


Now that I see you

by AliceMcGee



Series: Life at Hogwarts [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Fluff, M/M, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-15
Updated: 2016-04-15
Packaged: 2018-06-02 09:25:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6560917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliceMcGee/pseuds/AliceMcGee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus and Sirius started sort of dating recently, but Remus' behaviour seems strange to Sirius. Can he convince his stubborn, self-loathing sort-of-boyfriend he really wants him? Fluffity fluff, but I'm too shy to write anything more than kissing ^_^</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Doubts

**1 - Doubts**

It was early in the morning and Sirius was wide awake. That wasn't right. It was Wednesday and he didn't have any classes before lunch on Wednesdays, so he usually skipped breakfast and slept as long as he could. But not this day.

He was pondering on last few days. He and Remus have been sort of dating since their encounter in that classroom. Sort of. Neither of them had real previous experiences with these things and Remus was still pretty unsure and cautious, so it was mainly holding hands and secret dates. No kissing on lips - not that Sirius didn't try, but Remus always dodged, so he decided to give him some time.

He wasn't upset about this - he knew how insecure Remus was about himself. Few years ago, it wasn't easy for rest of the Marauders to prove that they were not scared or disgusted or anything by the fact that he was a werewolf. It took ages, but eventually, he understood and became the most devoted friend. Sirius was certain they would get through this too, if they gave it enough time. So that was alright.

But two days ago Remus started avoiding Sirius again - and that really was not alright. It came all of sudden - while they were amongst other friends, Remus acted as normal as he could manage without looking Sirius in the eye or talking directly to him, but every time it seemed that the two of them could be left alone, Remus sneaked away. Sirius even tried waiting for him in common room last night, but he dozed off and when he finally got to dorm, he found Remus sleeping - or pretending to be asleep.

He had thought that their relationship would improve once they had talked about it. Remus did tell him that he had feelings for him and even asked Sirius to make him believe someone could love him. So what the hell was going on?! Did he say or do something that upset Remus?

Sirius sighed and turned to his side, so he could look at sleeping Remus. He looked so at peace, so calm… But what thoughts were crossing his mind, what dreams was he living right now?

Sirius shook his head. Last time Moony was avoiding him, he took two months to finally confront him about it and it's been the most tormenting time of his life so far. He won't do the same mistake twice. He will corner Remus on first occasion and won't let him go until he got some answers. After all, he has right to know if he did anything wrong.

There still was the option that Remus had changed his mind and didn't want this kind of relationship with Sirius anymore - but being rational for once, Sirius decided not to think about it till he know it for sure.

His eyes were burning with tiredness, so he closed them just for little while...

Few hours later, sound of someone rushing into the dorm woke him. It was Remus, searching frantically for his homework for Ancient Runes. Even half-asleep, Sirius knew this was his chance. He sneaked out of the bed and to the door, where he stood with arms crossed. He tried looking more furious and less scared, but he was sure it didn't go well.

Remus finally found the parchment and turned around to leave, but stopped immediately as he saw Sirius. He blushed and quickly glanced away.

"We need to talk," said Sirius coldly.

"Could it wait? I really need to go now." Remus was looking at his shoes, obviously not wanting to meet Sirius' gaze.

"No, it couldn't wait. You're avoiding me again. I thought we were past that!" said Sirius, clearly upset. "What's going on, Moony?"

"Sirius, I will be in big trouble if I miss Ancient Runes today. Please, we can talk later," pleaded Remus. For few seconds awkward silence spread between them.

"Just tell me - did you change your mind? You don't want me anymore?" asked Sirius quietly, bowing his head and fixating on the floor. He felt his heart's pace accelerating and tears welling up in his eyes.

Remus jerked at the almost desperate sound of Sirius' voice. He quickly crossed the space between them and placed his hands on Sirius' shoulders.

"Padfoot," he said heavily. "My feelings haven't changed a slightest bit. It's just… My inner demons, I think. I need to tell you about them, before it's too late and this thing we have becomes too complex for you to back out without getting hurt. I just haven't found the right words yet. Please, just give me this day. I'll figure it out and we will talk, alright? We can meet in our classroom after dinner, agree?"

Sirius nodded, still looking at the floor. Remus cupped his face in his hands and gently stroked his cheeks.

"Hey, it's gonna be alright," he added softly. Sirius finally looked at him with watery eyes and covered his hands with his own for a brief moment. Then he turned around and disappeared into the bathroom.


	2. Advice

**2 - Advice**

Remus continued avoiding Sirius for the rest of the day. Sirius reminded himself every few minutes that Remus just needs time and that after dinner, he would finally know what was going on. Even if Remus wanted to end things with him, it still would be better to know it for sure than remaining in this state of uncertainty. And every time the panic started taking over, he remembered the touch of Remus' hands on his face and the look in his eyes as he promised everything would be alright.

When afternoon classes were finally over, Remus ran out of the door mumbling something about tons of homework. In dormitory, Sirius checked the Marauders Map and saw Remus' dot in the library. How surprising. He had about two more hours before dinner, so he decided to find a comfy armchair in common room and do some homework too. It would be better than lying on the bed and stressing about Remus.

Fifty minutes later, he was sitting in his favourite corner, his Advanced Potion-Making still closed, the parchment blank and topics his mind was focused on having very little to do with antidotes. So much for not stressing about certain mate.

"What's up, Padfoot?" asked familiar voice. James was heading to him, clearly coming straight from Quidditch practice. He sunk into armchair next to Sirius and summoned his bag from dormitory.

"Nothing much. How was practice? Was Evans there again?"

"Yeah, she pretended to be on random walk with Mary, but she's not fooling me," grinned James. "And you're neither," he added strictly, giving his friend curious look. "There's something going on with you. And Remus, too. Your face looks like you just discovered your hair started falling out. So tell me before I hex it out of you."

Sirius' first instinct was to deny everything, but then again, he could use some advice and Prongs was his best friend. And he was quite tolerant - his attitude to Remus' condition was the best example. Who else should he confide in? But he had to do it carefully, or James would shout out something like "What do you mean - you are gay?" and he really didn't need entire school to know that. At least yet.

"Prongs, if you found out that Evans had some deep dark secret, like that her sister is a Death Eater, you would still want her, wouldn't you?"

"Of course I would. But that's not possible, her sister is a muggle."

"It's purely hypothetical. But it wouldn't change how you feel about her, would it?"

"Well, speaking purely hypothetically, if I found out she was a Death Eater, that would change a lot of things. But if it was not her fault, I would be pretty dumb to judge her. What's your point? Have you fallen for some Slytherin?" James frowned.

"Not at all. It's… Just promise me you won't freak out. It's Remus, I think I'm…"

"In love with him?" finished James, when Sirius hesitated. He sniggered at expression on Sirius' face. "What, you really thought I wouldn't notice? I've been thinking you like boys since fifth grade. You have never dated any girl in spite of them drooling over you all the time. You never even mention you fancy someone, you only flirt with some of them when you've nothing better to do. It might look to other people that you're just too busy with our pranks, but I know better. Do you think you have chance with Moony, though?" he asked and frowned again.

"What do you mean - do I have a chance? Is Moony blind or what?" smirked Sirius and James rolled his eyes. "All right, all right, seriously now, yes, I think I have a chance. We had this conversation the other day…" Sirius blushed.

"That's great!" James smiled widely. "But what does that deep-dark-secret-thing mean, then? What dark secrets can you have, we know all about your family and I don't think there could be anything darker." James was obviously confused.

"It's his dark secret. He's been avoiding me for last two days, so I asked what was going on and he promised me he would tell me after tonight's dinner. He also mentioned that his feelings didn't change, if that's what you want to say."

"Oh. Fine. Good for you. So what did he said?"

"Something about his inner demons and that I should know about them before it's too late," said Sirius and sighed.

"What the hell are inner demons?" asked James, looking absolutely perplexed.

"How should I know! I don't have any!" Sirius burst out laughing. It was ridiculous. It's been just few days since he finally admitted his feelings to Remus and these few days have been probably the best in his life. And now it seemed something was threatening it. Like there could be any 'inner demon' (whatever that means) that could change how he feels about Remus. Ridiculous indeed.

James was looking at him like he just lost it. Which wasn't completely wrong assumption.

"Well," he said in dignified voice once Sirius' laughter fade out. "I think you should just convince him you're not afraid or anything. You know how paranoid he is about being werewolf."

"Believe me or not, I figured that out all by myself, thank you very much," answered Sirius sarcastically. "But how could I convince him?"

"No idea. Just do what feels right. And don't overthink it. Definitely hug him. But don't be pushy. But don't act indifferently. But don't make him do things. But don't just sit there looking at him saying nothing. And most of all, don't overthink it. I've already said that, haven't I? Well, that's because it's important. Don't overthink it."

"Remind me why, of all people, did I ask you for relationship advice?" giggled Sirius. It didn't matter how useless suggestions Prongs gave him, he made him laugh. What else are friends good for? It felt like that heavy feeling on his chest became lighter. He drew the blank parchment closer and grabbed his quill. There still was homework due next day.

"Because I'm the expert," said James proudly.

"Yeah, we should ask Evans about that."

"Evans loves me, she just doesn't believe she could handle me," answered James, grinning, and opened his Advanced Potion-Making. "She would faint if we kissed."

"Well, there'd be definitely someone fainting."

"Piss off."


	3. Relief

**3 - Relief**

During the dinner, Sirius became so afraid he couldn't even look at Remus. He was pecking at his food, pretending to listen to James' plans for new pranks. Anyway, from what he heard, James was just recycling their older ideas and Sirius was sure he was doing it to distract him from stressing about Remus. Not that it worked.

Is he supposed to wait for Remus? Or should he go to their classroom alone? Should he pretend he was going somewhere else than Remus? What should he tell James and Peter? And does he really want to go there? Does he really want to know what was going on? Wouldn't it be better to leave things as they were?

He was starting to have a headache from all these thoughts running through his mind, when he felt a hand landing on his shoulder and looked up. Remus was standing behind him, smiling nervously.

"Coming?" he asked.

"Yeah," Sirius somehow managed to return the smile and got up. He looked at Prongs, who gave him encouraging smile, and then they left without saying anything to explain themselves. They didn't speak, just walked so close to each other, their shoulders brushed everytime they turned a corner. Each time that happened, Sirius felt like the touch was burning his skin through clothes.

When they got to the classroom, Remus went to the window, leaned on it and looked out. Sirius wasn't sure what to do. He made few steps towards Remus, but then hesitated. What if Remus don't want to be too close to him? And what if he wants him as close as he can get? And what if… He shook his head and remembered James' words - 'Don't overthink it'. Maybe his suggestions weren't as useless as they had seemed earlier. He took deep breath, made remaining steps to the window and sat on the windowsill, just few inches from Remus, who was looking at school grounds. There was a long moment of silence as Remus' eyes were fixated on Hagrid's cottage and Sirius' at Remus' face as he was trying to memorize every freckle, every stray strand of light-brown hair. Then Remus suddenly turned his head and met Sirius' gaze. It felt like time had stopped, like there didn't exist anything outside their classroom.

"So," Sirius cleared his throat and tried to smile. "Your inner demons. I mean, you said you wanted to tell me about them."

"Yeah, I did say that," answered Remus, his voice deeper than usual. Then he unexpectedly leaned forward and kissed Sirius. Sirius' lips parted in surprise and Remus deepened the kiss, caressing back of Sirius' neck with one hand. Sirius instinctively pulled Remus closer, gripping his shirt. Remus' lips were warm and a bit chapped and the kiss tasted like freshly made tea and blurred his mind in the same way firewhisky usually did. Sirius could have stayed like that forever, but the kiss ended as suddenly as it began.

He opened his eyes - when did he close them anyway? - and gazed at Remus.

"For heaven's sake, Moony," he said in a hoarse voice. "You didn't have to freak me out for days if you just wanted to kiss me." Remus giggled and withdrew a little.

"Trust me, I didn't plan this. It just…"

"Felt like right thing to do?" finished Sirius, smiling widely.

"Yeah. But I still need to tell you something." said Remus, serious again. Sirius sighed. One just can't have it all.

"Go on, then," he settled himself in more comfortable position on the windowsill. Remus placed his hands on Sirius' knees and took a deep breath.

"It's not that easy, you know."

"If it's about you being a werewolf, I don't care. Told you years ago and it haven't changed since then," said Sirius bluntly.

"I know. But you just see me in school, where not many people know about my condition. Or amongst our friends, who are cool about it. It's not like that in the outer world. People are generally prejudiced against werewolves. And not just Death eaters, the good ones too. Even being friends with me may cause you lots of troubles and it's not gonna change for better anytime soon. If Voldemort gains enough power, other werewolves would be the first to hunt me down. If he is defeated, people wouldn't distinguish between good werewolves and bad werewolves. Being gay is just the icing. And it's not just about life and death," Remus laughed gloomily. "My education won't matter anymore when I graduate. It would be impossible for me to find a job. You have enough of your own problems without dating me." Remus hung his head as in defeat. Sirius wanted to say thousands of things, but for some reason, he was sure this wasn't what Remus called inner demons. This was just… introduction.

"But that's not what you meant to tell me, is it? I mean… I know that what you just said is important - to you. I still don't care, I just wanna be with you, no matter how hard it might get. Actually, the harder it is, the more valuable it gets. But what did you meant by inner demons?"

"It's… Just… I..." Remus trembled and tried to smile. "I'm so scared about saying it aloud. I just don't understand why I'm in Gryffindor."

"Hey," Sirius cupped Remus' face and made him meet his gaze. "You are the bravest man I know, but you need to realize, that you are not alone. You don't need to be alone. I'm here for you and so is Prongs and Wormtail. It's alright to be scared sometimes. Just tell me."

"Would they still be there?" Remus blurted, fear widening his eye. Now, that did feel like they were getting somewhere. Sirius thought that this fear must be what Remus called inner demon.

"I mean, Prongs and Wormtail. When we graduate." Still so insecure, like they haven't prove thousand times that they want to stay.

"I can't speak for them, but I believe they will. And I can promise you I won't give up on you ever."

"And when they find out we're together? Would they still want to remain friends?"

"Don't underestimate them. I told Prongs and he is cool about that."

"You did what?!" Remus looked at him in disbelief.

"What? You have a problem with that?" asked Sirius, confused. They were going to tell them, weren't they?

"No… not at all…" Remus suddenly burst out laughing. "This is so you! You never ask if people approve of your life choices, you just do whatever the hell you want and expect them to accept it. I think that you're much braver than I am."

"Right, but we're not here to argue which one of us is the bravest man in the world," Sirius pointed out gently. Remus' laugh faded out instantly.

"What if something between us goes wrong? I don't wanna lose you," whispered Remus, looking scared again. Sirius reached for Remus' hand and interlocked their fingers.

"Moony, it doesn't matter if anything between us ever goes somehow wrong. I would never leave. Most of all, I am and I always will be your friend. Understand?"

Remus looked in his eyes and Sirius saw in them how much he wanted to believe. So he did what felt right, pulled him closer and kissed him. This time he was prepared for the sensation and enjoyed it even more. His lips moved slowly against Remus', his tongue gingerly caressing Remus' bottom lip. But eventually, he needed to breathe, so he pulled away and rested his forehead against Remus' chest.

"But that's not all, is it?" asked Sirius after a moment of silence. He knew Remus too well.

"No, it's not. You see, when I'm out of Hogwarts, I'd have to find a place, where a werewolf can't hurt anybody. Doesn't sound like living in London, like you want, eh?" Remus' voice was almost bitter.

"If I have to choose between living in London and being close to you, I don't need to think twice. And I'd give you this answer even if I didn't have feelings for you. Told you I always be there for you, didn't I? Besides, Moony, don't forget we are wizards. You don't have to live isolated, we can just disapparate from London once a month. Don't make things worse for yourself than they are. I won't let you deal with anything on your own, I promise, Moony," said Sirius softly, holding and stroking now both Remus' hands.

"Is there anything else?" he asked after few moments of silence.

"Well, not for the time being…" Remus smiled shyly. Sirius looked in his eyes and saw spark of cautious hope in them. He hugged him tightly and rested his head on Remus' chest again, listening to soothing heartbeat. He felt Remus' fingers running through his hair and it was nearly perfect moment. The only thing missing was touch of Remus' lips on his.

But not for long.


End file.
